From our original archives! Please forgive any old links and formatting quirks.

These last two gaggle guys tend to be the most…how shall I say this?…controversial of the bunch. And in a more traditional dating world, that would make sense. Should you be trying to date or hook up with another girl’s boyfriend? NO. Should you be desperately trying to ‘win back’ some guy who stood you up and isn’t returning your phone calls? NO. There are way too many people potentially getting hurt in these scenarios, yourself included.

But we’re talking about the gaggle here – where your relationships are not defined solely by the likelihood of each guy becoming your boyfriend in two weeks or less. When you’re in the process of cultivating and managing your gaggle, you can meet a guy, quickly realize that he is not boyfriend material (maybe not right now, maybe never), and still choose to keep him in your life. You can engage with him in a way that’s comfortable and morally acceptable to both of you. Because maybe he’ll teach you that you really love jazz, or that you need to be with someone who is openly affectionate and attentive in public. Or maybe you’ll just have a lot of fun together, every once in a while. Lines are blurred, and relationships are no longer cut and dry. So keep an open mind and leave the labels to your parents!

And now…The Unavailable Guy and The Guy Who Just Blew You Off.

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The Unavailable Guy

This guy has a girlfriend, about whom you probably know a lot. You’ve hung out with her at parties, friended her on Facebook and helped pick out her birthday presents. You also counseled The Unavailable Guy during his latest relationship spat and basically wrote the lovely apology email that led them to better times. This girl has no reason to dislike you, as you would never steal another girl’s boyfriend – in fact, she should THANK you for advising her boyfriend on their relationship problems and convincing him to book the more expensive room for their surprise weekend getaway.

Others may have noted a flirtation between you and The Unavailable Guy, but you don’t see the danger in giggling over a few private jokes and grabbing dinner together every once in a while. You both know that he is unavailable, which makes him less threatening than other guys and enables you to let your guard down more than you would with a viable romantic prospect. Because your relationship with The Unavailable Guy isn’t going anywhere, you don’t have to overanalyze your interactions and can continue to push the boundaries of your friendship into territory that never feels unsafe.

Good intentions aside, you’re not oblivious to the fine lines of your relationship with The Unavailable Guy. You can imagine that his girlfriend wouldn’t be thrilled to hear that he paid for dinner, or to know how many DVDs you leant him last month. You may even have set up unofficial, unspoken rules of communication, like not texting him on weekends when you know that they’re together, just to be safe. You also can’t help but be a little suspicious of her calculated friendliness – did anyone else catch her giving you the evil eye at your BBQ last weekend when she thought no one was looking? But whatever, she’s not YOUR girlfriend! So you allow yourself to get closer to The Unavailable Guy, rationalizing that he is the one in the relationship and thus responsible for pulling in the reins if your friendship crosses into dangerous territory.

Related WTF?! Posts
Smart Guys Won’t Cheat On You! (So Says Science)
Newsflash: The Oldest Line In The Book Is Still…The Oldest Line In The Book
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Is Infidelity Inevitable?
Wanted: Role Models

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The Guy Who Just Blew You Off

You’ve read He’s Just Not That Into You, and you know that this guy should no longer be in your gaggle. Whether he canceled your dinner plans, forgot to call you back or never responded to the funny YouTube video that you sent him, The Guy Who Just Blew You Off is full of excuses and seems to have undergone a complete personality transformation while you were out of town for the weekend. You deserve better!

That being said, whether you actually miss having him in your life or just miss the excitement and anticipation of figuring out when you’ll see him next, The Guy Who Just Blew You Off is still on your mind. You’ve watched guys pull The Slow Fade on your friends in the past. You are all too familiar with that seemingly universal male strategy of slowly returning fewer and fewer phone calls and suddenly being busy to the point of extinction, but his recent actions seem ambiguous and inconsistent with his behavior up to that point. He never officially declared that he lost interest in you and, because you weren’t technically dating, there was no break-up. You’re sure that the evidence is there – he WAS into you!

You could be just one cute email away from clearing up whatever misunderstanding is plaguing your relationship; you’re also one ‘do I really want to be THAT girl?!’ email away from angrily demanding closure and an explanation of why his feelings have changed. Sometimes you partially blame yourself and can’t help wondering if, in your initial excitement, you unwittingly forced him into the wrong category. Maybe he would be interested in playing a more casual role in your life? To be fair, it was YOUR decision to invest in him as a Boyfriend Prospect, even though he claimed that he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend and was seriously considering a cross-country career move. You find yourself weighing the pros and cons of sending him a late-night text message in an attempt to turn him into your Hot Sex Prospect, momentarily holding off because you’re terrified of looking desperate.

In any case, you’re on the verge of contacting The Guy Who Just Blew You Off at any moment. But rejection sucks. So you’ve promised yourself that you’ll wait until at least Thursday to see if he reaches out to you first…

Related WTF?! Posts
Romantic Terrorism vs. Romantic Optimism
Choose Your Own (Facebook!) Adventure
The Adventure Continues
Am I Being Dumped?!
Missed Hipster Connections
Ask Jess #1! How Should I Deal With Him Suddenly Avoiding Me?

May 9, 2010

1 F-YEAH! F-YEAH!