From our original archives! Please forgive any old links and formatting quirks.

Here we are – at a turning point.

We’ve spent a lot of time on this site talking about how confusing and frustrating it is to be a young, empowered, optimistic woman trying to find love in the post-dating world. We’ve searched unsuccessfully for role models and bemoaned Tiger Text and iDUMP4U and CanDoBetter.com and Facebook, wondering whether we’d have more luck on Craigslist’s Missed Connections or using our Bump app. We’ve worried about our guys cheating (once, twice, three times!) and tried to make sense of the changing landscapes of masculinity, marriage and meaningful sex.

But we’ve also begun to place some structure and perspective on all the madness. We’ve bonded over the ubiquity of Non-Dates and risen above the media’s depressing take on love. We’ve listened to what men have to say, laughed at the idea of settling, and happily thrown away the old, rigid dating rules of yore. And we’ve refused to crumble and fall prey to our insecurities at the first sign of romantic trouble.

Because – and no, I can’t say this enough – we’re a new generation of women who are hopeful! And proactive! And innovative! And open to new ideas about love and passion and connection! WE’RE TIRED OF BEING TOLD THAT WE SUCK AT LOVE. So really, we’re just looking for…a new perspective on things.

This is where Becky and I come in.

If you can wrap your mind around the following idea, then I promise you that it will completely alter the way that you think about men, dating, courtship and love – just as it did for me, Becky, and so many of the women who we’ve now shared this concept with. You’ll begin to feel just as empowered, excited and confident about your love life as you do about everything ELSE in your life.

So here goes.

After talking to so many of you over the past several months (and also to quite a few of you throughout the last 20 or so years of my life), I had an epiphany. While us single girls are sitting on our couches, feeling insecure and worried about the lack of dates in our schedules and wondering WTF is up with our love lives, we have also been unwittingly coming up with a way to navigate this brave new world – even if we haven’t fully realized or made sense of it yet. We have been forging ahead on instinct and creating a means of dealing with the ambiguity and embracing the lawlessness. Even better, we are not only engaging romantically (if untraditionally) within the post-dating world, but we are also finding ways to explore who we are, what we want, and what kind of relationship we ultimately hope to end up in.

But how? Certainly not by dating! Nope. By surrounding ourselves with a gaggle of guys.

A gaggle of guys? Like, geese? Sort of.

Looking at the guys in your gaggle, you might be explicitly romantically involved with some of them. But many of them are just “friends” – co-workers, teammates, bandmates, neighbors, etc. – who play different roles in your life and allow you to explore your romantic desires and needs, in a time when traditional dating relationships can’t be expected. We’ve found a way to get all the perks of dating, without actually having to sit around and wait to be asked out to dinner.

That’s right, ladies. The gaggle has replaced dating. It has also replaced hooking up. Even if you think you don’t, almost every modern, single woman has a gaggle of guys sitting right under her nose. You just have to take a moment to recognize them. And then start thinking of them as the diverse and rotating cast of men in your very own romantic comedy.

So – who’s in your gaggle?

Gaggle (n.)
A gaggle is the select group of guys in your life who compel you to put in that little bit of extra effort because they are, or potentially could be, romantic prospects.

A guy is in your gaggle if you have to re-read the text message you are sending him, if you second guess what to wear when you know he’ll be around, if you feel like there’s a spark of chemistry that the two of you are exploring…any extra little bit of thought counts…

Let me be clear – having a gaggle is not about dating ten different guys at once (even if dating still existed, who has time for that?!). Instead, it’s about engaging with different types of guys on different levels, on your own particular terms, for different reasons, in an effort to figure out who you are, what you want, and where you’re going to be hanging out on Saturday night. It’s about living an awesome life and having guys be a part of it.

The gaggle is a 21st century phenomenon because it is facilitated by the multitude of ways we can now reach and communicate with each other. Modern technology allows us to have different types of relationships with different guys (and people) all at once. Depending on the level of investment and the norms of communication that we create, we cultivate our gaggles via phone, text, email, AIM, BlackBerry Messenger, Facebook, MySpace, Gchat, Skype, Twitter and even (in very special circumstances) snail mail. Oh yeah, and via face-to-face interactions, when there’s time for that. The fact is that we don’t only use cell phones and computers to plan meaningless, detached hookups – we also use them to engage in surprisingly genuine, emotional interactions. The gaggle is a way for us to cultivate fun, fulfilling love lives while being open to finding love and that one key relationship that will withstand the test of time.

Over the next five days, we’ll be profiling the ten types of guys who can make up your gaggle (probably not all at once, of course!).

And don’t worry, this will all be mixed in with the usual post-dating blog posts, Ask Jess advice columns, Love Poems of the Day and tales of Becky’s television paramours. But consider this the first day that you STOP obsessing about dating and START thinking about how to cultivate your gaggle!

First up! Tomorrow, we’ll all get to meet…

The Ex-Boyfriend Who’s Still Around
and
The Ego Booster

May 3, 2010

0 F-YEAH! F-YEAH!