Dear(est Understanding) Jess.

What does a girl have to do to meet men these days?! Or at least, the right men. I am starting to loooooose hope. All of it.

The belief I once had in love, and all its power, has been replaced by bitterness after an endless string of one-night stands and stupid affairs. I can blame it on daddy issues, weight issues, blah blah blah – but really, I’m just stuck. I need and want to start the next phase of my life, yet…

I am 27, I want babies (damn it!), I’ve started my own business and it’s going well, I have great friends and a fun social life, and I even have an amazing shoe collection All of it is good. But, my oh my…I’m lonely, and I’m over going through everything alone. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. Men seem to want me for sex, of course, but I don’t want just sex – I want to be taken care of, in the same way that I often take care of everyone else around me.

Help?

Love,

Losing Hope in Lonelyville

Dear LHIL,

Did you know that Lonelyville is actually the real name of a small beach community in Long Island? How crazy is that? Moment of appreciation that we don’t live there. Things could be worse. Anyway.

I totally understand how you’re feeling, and rest assured, you are far from the first woman who has expressed these exact frustrations to me. I don’t think I hit one huge city or small town in my WTF?! tour travels where I didn’t hear this story at least once. And god knows there’s been no shortage of women in the media sharing similar sentiments lately.

But here’s the thing: no pity party is going to help you, or all these other women in your boat. Instead, in order to find these great guys and embark on that great next phase of your life, you are going to need to shift your entire romantic perspective. I’m talking 100% overhaul here. Because as it stands, your current mindset is basically a guarantee that you will not be meeting a great guy or starting a great new phase of your life anytime soon.

So, overhaul we must. But don’t freak out – we’ll make it fun!

Here’s what I want you to do: I want you to set a time limit. In this case, I’d recommend three months. You’re going to use this time to take the pressure off, stop looking for the father of your future babies, and re-set your entire love life to a pace that I know will work out better than whatever it is you’re doing right now.

During those three months, I want you to Do You. (And don’t worry, Doing You will still involve talking to cute boys. What fun would there be otherwise??)

What does Doing You entail?

First of all, stop thinking about dating. And actually, stop dating altogether. Also, if you’ve been doing online dating and hating it, then hide your profile and take a break.

NO DATING FOR THREE MONTHS. GOT IT?

(Remember: it’s only three months! And you’re only 27! If I’m wrong, then you’ll barely lose any time on the road to coupled-up baby-making bliss. So just give me the benefit of the doubt for these next few months.)

Now, start asking yourself what you you’d feel like doing – today, this weekend, next month – if you had ABSOLUTELY no desire to meet a guy during that time.  If that’s too hard to imagine, then ask yourself what you’d feel like doing if a magical fortune teller told you that you’d be meeting the perfect man three months and one day from now.

And now, start making plans to do all of that stuff.

Ideally, some of those plans will end up being social. Men might even show up to some of these things! And that’s a good thing – you don’t have to run away from men, just because you’re Doing You. Feel free to join a choir, if you like music. Or take a class, if you like cooking. Or start coaching or playing on a team, if you like a sport. Whatever! People are nice – be around them. Just don’t make any of these plans based on where you think men will be. Instead, make them based solely on what YOU want to do.

While you’re at it, give yourself a break on the guy-heavy socializing. If it’s Saturday night and you don’t feel like hitting the bar or club, then don’t. Watch Downton Abbey instead. Do yoga. Read. Sleep. Knit a scarf. Your call! Whatever you’re in the mood to do. And if you start feeling anxious about all that time you’re “losing” on your love life, remind yourself that you’ll be worrying about the soulmate thing again in only three months. And I’ll let you in on a secret: this hiatus is all for the good of your love life, because it’s giving you a chance to rediscover your calm, lovely, attractive sanity, and re-center yourself in the short term so that you can find the right guy, attract him, and connect with him in the long-term.

Of course, you’ll continue meeting guys throughout this time, and that’s cool. The great thing about the post-dating world is that you can be engaging in your love life just by living your actual life. You can Do You, and even take a hiatus from “dating,” and still be inching ever closer to that epic love. But only if you stop thinking about it so freaking much.

So, go ahead – meet guys while you’re Doing You! But STOP wondering, every time you meet a guy, if he is The One. Stop wanting or expecting anything from him. You’re on a break from all that, remember? Instead, just meet these guys and, if you’re at all intrigued by them, add them to your gaggle. Proactively explore your connections with them, in as much as it adds a little touch of fun – and not stress – to your day-to-day. But for these three months, STOP THERE.

Even if you start to really like one of these guys, remember – you are not allowed to try and “figure out” or define exactly what you are “doing” with that guy until your hiatus is over. No trying to make him your boyfriend before then. Right now, your only job is to focus on yourself, so that you can better connect with guys (and maybe even these same guys you’re meeting now) later. If you feel a spark or connection with a guy, in the midst of all that focusing you’re doing on yourself, then great – cultivate it! Play around with it. Experiment with it. Feel free to have some fun with any guy stuff that might come up. But no definitions, no expectations, and no pressures. Not until the three-month mark is over.

Why am I being such a bitch and setting you off in the very opposite direction of your goal? What’s my thinking behind this plan?

1) We need to re-set the circumstances of where you’re trying to find love.

You know the spiel – we are now living in a post-dating world, where people are connecting in more natural ways and settings than ever before. Therefore, we need to start getting you into those natural settings, and with the right attitude and vibe.

Who knows – you might even be meeting the right guys, right now! But I have a feeling that you’re trying to “date” them, and that working within those traditional settings is keeping you from connecting with them in the most effective way. However, if you Do You for a few months, you’ll be getting into settings that you enjoy and that make you feel natural and comfortable. And then…

2) We need to re-set the ways that you’re connecting with guys.

Ever wonder why your guy friends seem so great, but the guys you’re “dating” or “hooking up with” always end up being jerks? Well, I promise; if you’re meeting guys in these more natural, ambiguous, friend-like settings, then you’ll end up meeting the best versions of themselves.

There’s a misconception out there that men’s best selves will be displayed when they’re trying to woo you in date-like settings. But, nope! All too often, that best behavior is either an selfish act that fades once a guy gets what he wants, or an overwrought performance that can leave the nicest, sweetest guy seeming unattractively awkward and nervous. But get to know guys in natural, non-date-like settings instead, and you’ll find that there many more “good guys” out there than you thought.

3) We need to re-set the pressure you’re feeling – and probably the Crazy Girl that it’s turning you into.

Let’s call a spade a spade – you’re desperate! And guess what? Guys can smell it on you (even when you’re not directly showing them by texting 50 times a day or asking how much longer you’re going to have to wait until they impregnate you). Your desperation is not helping your cause, so we need you to take a break from it.

And more importantly, that’s just not a way to be waking up every day, is it? You need to see what it feels like to take the pressure off of yourself, and stop oozing desperation in the process.

Now, say it with me: “I will not be meeting my husband during the next three months. And during that time, I will not look at every guy I meet as a husband prospect.” Don’t you feel lighter already? I wouldn’t be surprised if the guys you’re meeting start sensing that lightness, too.

If you hate this plan, then fine – three months and a day from now, get back on that husband search! But I have a feeling that once you’re enjoying your life, rejecting the pressure, and connecting with men in a more natural, comfortable way, you’re not going to want to.

WTF?! BOTTOM LINE: You will not find the right guy for you with this bitter, desperate mindset. You need to press the re-set button on your romantic perspective. So starting right now, put yourself on a three-month hiatus from looking for your baby-making soulmate. Focus on you, don’t make plans based on the odds that you’ll meet your soulmate in a given setting, and think of every new guy you meet as a potential guy in your gaggle (but for now, nothing more). In only three months, you’ll emerge calmer, happier, and more likely to attract the right men. And your gaggle will probably have gotten a huge boost in the meantime.

Image: Old-timey tonic

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If you’re lucky enough (?) to be a teacher in Buffalo, NY, then your employee contract gives you the option to get unlimited plastic surgery. Botox, liposuction, tummy tucks, rhinoplasty, breast augmentation – you can get them all (and as many times as you want!) at no cost, with no deductible. W.T.F. we say. With the $5.9 million this, – um, perky – perk costs the district, approximately 240 more teachers could be hired. But what’s educating children next to getting it right, tight and 100% off??

via CNN/WAVE

Shout Out to our favorite CitygirlFarmhand for the tip!

photo credit: Helga Esteb / Shutterstock.com

I get that this is tongue and cheek and all, but it remains sort of backhandedly unempowering. Just because you don’t have a #1 sweetheart doesn’t mean you’re alone.

And, um, judging from this video, Zac and Taylor might not be ‘dating’ but he is DEFINITELY in her gaggle.

via NY Daily News

Lauri Bot

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The other night as I was heading to bed, my husband, Ryan, said to me, “Cute outfit.”

“Thank y…” I started to say. Then, taking a good look at what I was wearing, I stopped.

Remember in sixth grade when it was cool to wear men’s boxers as shorts? When after buying the boxers at the Gap, you would bring them to your mom to sew up the pee hole? I still own two pairs of those. That evening I had on the plaid ones.

Do you also remember rolling down the tops of those boxers to make them shorter and your legs look longer? That’s how I was wearing them.

“Aww, sad! For a second I believed you.” I said.

I was almost offended, but having paused to take in the full extent of my getup—the boxers plus a men’s large free tee from a work event—I had to admit, his mockery was warranted.

This tween-meets-Goodwill pajama set is one of four outfits Ryan sees me in each day Monday through Friday. Three of these outfits are ugly, the first and ugliest being my night duds, just described. Here are the others:

OUTFIT #2: The second is what I wear to go running. Up until two weeks ago, the only workout pants I owned were generously flared, as was the fashion in 2007 when I bought them, one pair silverish with an aqua band around the waste, the other faded black with bleach stains (stains courtesy of our apartment building’s communal laundry).

Now I also have a third pair, “Go 2 Tights” from New Balance. These were to be my fashionable choice. When I tried them on in the store, it was a revelation: I had no idea my butt cheeks oozed onto the backs of my upper thighs like that. These tights play no favorites. All lower body parts are treated as equals, smooshed together in grotesque harmony.

I asked the salesman if there were any other pants under $40. Nope, he said, the next cheapest were $60. I don’t belong to a gym to save money. I had also put off buying new workout clothes for the same reason, but I needed a third pair of long pants right then if I were to keep running outside through the winter. So I bought them. At least they weren’t flared.

When I return from a run in the morning, Ryan is usually up and getting the dog ready for a walk, just in time to catch a glimpse of me. Donning one of the aforementioned pants and a large semicircle of sweat on my shirt, I am a sight to behold.

OUTFIT #3: This is what I wear to work, the one of the four outfits that is not ugly. Ryan sees me in it for the least amount of time, 30 minutes tops. After my shower, I get dressed, have a quick cup of coffee, and am out the door. Then when I get home, I say hello and make a beeline for our bedroom, where I change into my third ensemble of the day, featuring my all-time favorite—

OUTFIT #4: interim pants.

Interim pants are my solution to wanting the comfort of pajamas but not wanting to wear what I’ve actually worn to bed. Something about eating dinner in the clothes that I’ve developed morning breath in grosses me out. So instead over the years I’ve collected an assortment of baggy drawstring pants just as soft as pajamas but strictly for the interim, the time between coming home from work and going to sleep. All comfy in these pants and an old oversize sweatshirt is how Ryan sees me the majority of the workweek.

But it wasn’t until Ryan teased me about my boxers that I fully grasped that he does notice my ugly outfits—and he’s not a fan. Is it OK for me to wear them anyway, to completely disregard his disdain, just because I know he’ll still want me? Should I be worried that because of all the ugliness he’ll love me less??

Honestly, I’m not worried about that at all, and yes, I think it is OK to wear ugly outfits three-fourths of my time.

Interim pants are how I relax during the week. They help me shed any tension from the office, and while I may not look pretty, I feel pretty damn good. That state of mind, I’m certain, is a nicer (less cranky) option for the both of us.

Plus he wears black every day, and I don’t say a thing.

Is it just me, or do the Oscars kinda stink this year?

(Shameless plug for my new favorite movie Take Shelter, which isn’t nominated, not even Michael Shannon who freaking killed it in the lead. A total crime.)

Movies influence life, culture and social point-of-view. And The Oscars influence movies. An Academy Award nod can add millions to the profit of a film, increase it viewership exponentially and launch the careers of its cast and creators. So who are the people that hold this power?

They are:

94% White

77% Male

54% over 60

2% under 40

Hardly a fair representation of the diversity American consciousness and experience. Remember when freaking Crash beat Brokeback Mountain? I’m sure the fact that old white men are more likely to be homophobic had nothing to do with that. And why isn’t Bridesmaids nominated? Because apparently comedy isn’t as legitimate or affecting as drama. Also, do you know what a big deal it was to have a lady comedy be a blockbuster? I digress.

Point is, we are widely affected and influenced by the films we watch. Narrative provides the opportunity to empathize with different people and thereby broaden our experience. So, what happens when a bunch of old white men have undue influence on the films that are watched and honored? Experiences are are narrowed and skewed by that viewpoint.

At WTF?! we talk sometimes about how media can influence our expectations in relationships. Well, I don’t know about you, but if I took my grandfather’s* advice in movies I’d be watching Forrest Gump on repeat, and if I took his advice on relationships I’d be married by now, and far unhappier for it.

*I love my grandfather bunches, regardless, to be clear.

Read even more on The Academy in this great LA Times piece.

Image via HerryLawford

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If you’ve made it this far, the barrage continues, here…