Hey kids,

Strongarm Gibbs here, with the most heart-breaking, dream making, love taking, don’t you mess around with me guest blog you are ever going to read on this site.

One day last week, Jess and Becky called me up and said…

“Strongarm, we would like you to tell it like only you can tell it!  Not only are you the most handsome man we have ever met, but your witty and refreshing take on romance and relationships MUST be shared with the people who read our website.”

Then they hit me up for 10 bucks.

Between you and me, I think they just wanted a reason to call me (oh, and the 10 bucks).  But because I am a prominent member in both of their gaggles (I’ll let you figure out which guy I am in each), they also understand that not only am I terribly charming, but I’m also one heck of a computer typer!

Was that a run-on sentence?

Anyway, besides being funny, clever, and terribly insightful, I am the MASTER of relationships. Since the age of 14, I have jumped from one relationship to another, with each one lasting at least over a year. I don’t date. If I find a girl I like, I lock it down and make sure that she isn’t seeing anyone else.  I am currently in a 7-year relationship that’s going pretty well, if I don’t mind tooting my own horn. TOOT! TOOT!

Hey, I’m not saying I’m perfect.  Far from it. I have been dumped, been the dumper, gotten into huge blowups (one involved being run off the road Dukes of Hazzard style in a car chase, but that’s for another blog), forgotten anniversaries, and once even left a girl for getting a real short boy haircut! So, again, I’m not saying I’m perfect.  But I am saying I know a LOT about making a relationship work.

So now I’ll prove it to you.

Presenting…

STRONGARM’S GUIDE TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP!

Ladies, gentleman, this is my surefire guide to getting you the relationship of your dreams!!

Now, I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking “Strongarm, I don’t want a normal, fully functioning relationship! I’m perfectly happy sleeping with a new guy/girl every week, second-guessing their every move, and never getting into an actual relationship for fear of either getting too close to someone, or missing out on something better.”

(I’m looking at you Becky)

And to that I would say…

GROW UP, HIPSTER! You aren’t 15 anymore, and this isn’t Degrassi High.  It’s time to act like an adult and find a mate to settle down with! You know why? Because you need to get married! You know why you need to get married? Because you need kids! You know why you need kids? Because in 40 years from now, you are going to be a broken down old shell of a human being and the ONLY people who are going to take care of you are your kids! SO, instead of trying to act out your teen years in your late 20′s and early 30′s, act your age and find someone to have a relationship with. Put down the kickball and the tight jeans, step away from the beer pong table, and get emotionally invested in someone (other than yourself).

OK, I think I’m getting WAY off track here. Let’s get to things!

There are 5 points you have to hit to have a successful relationship.  They will be outlined below.  I know, I know, only 5? YES, only 5, but I’m warning you, it’s not easy.

STRONGARM’S GUIDE TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP!

#1 – You MUST show appreciation for their interests that you might not normally like.

Explanation: I’m not saying you MUST do EVERYTHING together, but you have to share some common interests. Show her/him that you care!  I’ve seen so many relationships doomed because people just don’t take the time to show interest in what the other is doing.

Personal example: I like pro wrestling. I like to watch Monday Night Raw and sometimes catch it live when it hits the NY/NJ area.  I know, I know, I’m a loser, I get it. I know you’re thinking it, and I’m sure that my girlfriend is too. But that’s the thing – she doesn’t tell me that.  She encourages me. Sometimes she watches it with me, learns the catchphrases and moves, and comes with me to the Garden to see it live. One time, she even went with me to three different 7-11′s to get the SummerSlam collector cups!  If that isn’t dedication, I don’t know what is. She really tries. I know she doesn’t REALLY love it, but she makes the effort. And for that, I appreciate and love her.

She, on the other hand, likes baseball, The NY Mets, specifically. So to return the favor, I watch it with her in the summer, go to Citi-Field sometimes, and take an interest in the players. Believe me, liking the Mets takes extreme dedication. They are just THAT bad. And that is what a relationship is about, give and take.

#2 – You MUST always want to hang with her/him.

Explanation: I’m not saying that you can’t have a guys’ night out watching the game at a sports bar. Or a ladies night out having a pillow fight in your underwear (that’s what you girls do, right?). Yet you must REALLY want to hang out with them the majority of the time.

Find yourself in a relationship where you just want to get away all the time? That is NOT a relationship! Find yourself wrapped up in your own things, so much so that you might see him only 2-3 times a week? NOT a healthy relationship.  Think seeing him once a week is fine because you both need your space? NOT a relationship (again, I’m looking at you, Becky).

Personal example: I’ll give you one, but it’s not mine.  Ever heard of the Beatles? How about that dude Paul McCartney? Well, that guy had a wife and her name was Linda.  They were married from 1968 until 1998, and besides one incident when he was arrested on drug charges, they NEVER SPENT A DAY APART! AND THEY LOVED IT!

I’ll let that sink into your head for a moment…they SAW EACH OTHER EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR 30 YEARS! EVERY DAY!

Now, some of you are pessimistically shaking your head thinking you would NEVER do that. But to me, that’s love.

#3 – You MUST never have cheated on them/been cheated on by them.

Explanation: I know, this seems obvious. But this is an important rule.  Some people try to look past infidelity in a relationship (especially 2-4 years into a relationship), and when kids/marriage are involved, I might not blame them. But regardless, it will still never work out. Cheating on someone is crossing a line that you can’t go back on.  If you skimmed this article and only read one thing I say, read this: IF HE/SHE CHEATED ON YOU ONCE, THEY WILL 100% DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. If you are in a relationship and get cheated on, treat it like you are on fire. Stop, Drop, and Roll right out the door!

Personal example: I’ll put it to you this way. Anytime you have seen someone cheat in a relationship, has it ever worked out in the end? Case closed.

#4 – You MUST get along with their friends/family.

Explanation: There will not be a quicker way to get broken up with than to make enemies with their friends. I’m not saying fake it – I’m saying you must legitimately like them and vice versa.  This rule ESPECIALLY applies to their sisters and brothers.

Personal example: I get along with my girlfriend’s family so well, sometimes I even hang out with her sister on her own!  I’m not saying there is a trick to this, either it happens or it doesn’t.  And if it doesn’t, then the relationship won’t last.

#5 – You MUST be 100% attracted to them.

Explanation: Every girl I have ever met in my life said that her #1 thing to look for in a guy is a sense of humor. Right. I don’t know about you guys, but that Twilight werewolf dude doesn’t seem so witty to me. Yet girls are hysterical around him, while The King of Queens isn’t exactly pulling in the chicks.

I know, I know, that was a cheap shot because guys act WAY more shallow than girls.  I agree it works both ways, which is why this last point is so important. You have to love EVERY part of them.  EVERY part, because believe me, there will be a time when you wake up one morning next to them, look over, and all you can focus on is that ONE attribute that you couldn’t STAND but looked past in the dating stage of your relationship. Crooked teeth? Hairy back? No chin? If you don’t like it now, it will only get worse and haunt you forever.

Personal Example: I’m not saying everyone has to be perfect, and that we can’t all have imperfections. The key is that other people love you BECAUSE of them. But, if it really bothers you now, it will REALLY bother you later. Like when I broke up with that girl with the short hair, I just had to end it. I couldn’t try to kiss someone that looked like a dude from behind!

We have all been in a relationship with someone who had SOMETHING we couldn’t look past.  Don’t try to ignore it, just move on to someone else.

OK, that’s it! 5 points to a perfect relationship! Nice n’ easy!

Oh, and here is the kicker: you have to hit ALL 5 of them. You have 3 out of 5? Maybe 4 out of 5? Sorry, but you should get out and start over. It just won’t last. You will thank me later.

(Man, was this guest blog informative, funny and charming all at once or what? I think I should be a permanent part of the WTF?! team! Jess, Becky, and Tom, taking over the dating world!)

Thanks for reading, and you’re welcome for the advice!

Love,

Strongarm Gibbs

SxAxGx

p.s. Jeez, that was LONG! I commend you if you got this far down and are still reading. I nodded off somewhere around Rule #3.

Jul 15, 2010

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