Hey kids,
Strongarm Gibbs here, with the most heart-breaking, dream making, love taking, don’t you mess around with me guest blog you are ever going to read on this site.
One day last week, Jess and Becky called me up and said…
“Strongarm, we would like you to tell it like only you can tell it! Not only are you the most handsome man we have ever met, but your witty and refreshing take on romance and relationships MUST be shared with the people who read our website.”
Then they hit me up for 10 bucks.
Between you and me, I think they just wanted a reason to call me (oh, and the 10 bucks). But because I am a prominent member in both of their gaggles (I’ll let you figure out which guy I am in each), they also understand that not only am I terribly charming, but I’m also one heck of a computer typer!
Was that a run-on sentence?
Anyway, besides being funny, clever, and terribly insightful, I am the MASTER of relationships. Since the age of 14, I have jumped from one relationship to another, with each one lasting at least over a year. I don’t date. If I find a girl I like, I lock it down and make sure that she isn’t seeing anyone else. I am currently in a 7-year relationship that’s going pretty well, if I don’t mind tooting my own horn. TOOT! TOOT!
Hey, I’m not saying I’m perfect. Far from it. I have been dumped, been the dumper, gotten into huge blowups (one involved being run off the road Dukes of Hazzard style in a car chase, but that’s for another blog), forgotten anniversaries, and once even left a girl for getting a real short boy haircut! So, again, I’m not saying I’m perfect. But I am saying I know a LOT about making a relationship work.
So now I’ll prove it to you.
Presenting…
STRONGARM’S GUIDE TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP!
Ladies, gentleman, this is my surefire guide to getting you the relationship of your dreams!!
Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking “Strongarm, I don’t want a normal, fully functioning relationship! I’m perfectly happy sleeping with a new guy/girl every week, second-guessing their every move, and never getting into an actual relationship for fear of either getting too close to someone, or missing out on something better.”
(I’m looking at you Becky)
And to that I would say…
GROW UP, HIPSTER! You aren’t 15 anymore, and this isn’t Degrassi High. It’s time to act like an adult and find a mate to settle down with! You know why? Because you need to get married! You know why you need to get married? Because you need kids! You know why you need kids? Because in 40 years from now, you are going to be a broken down old shell of a human being and the ONLY people who are going to take care of you are your kids! SO, instead of trying to act out your teen years in your late 20′s and early 30′s, act your age and find someone to have a relationship with. Put down the kickball and the tight jeans, step away from the beer pong table, and get emotionally invested in someone (other than yourself).
OK, I think I’m getting WAY off track here. Let’s get to things!
There are 5 points you have to hit to have a successful relationship. They will be outlined below. I know, I know, only 5? YES, only 5, but I’m warning you, it’s not easy.
STRONGARM’S GUIDE TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP!
#1 – You MUST show appreciation for their interests that you might not normally like.
Explanation: I’m not saying you MUST do EVERYTHING together, but you have to share some common interests. Show her/him that you care! I’ve seen so many relationships doomed because people just don’t take the time to show interest in what the other is doing.
Personal example: I like pro wrestling. I like to watch Monday Night Raw and sometimes catch it live when it hits the NY/NJ area. I know, I know, I’m a loser, I get it. I know you’re thinking it, and I’m sure that my girlfriend is too. But that’s the thing – she doesn’t tell me that. She encourages me. Sometimes she watches it with me, learns the catchphrases and moves, and comes with me to the Garden to see it live. One time, she even went with me to three different 7-11′s to get the SummerSlam collector cups! If that isn’t dedication, I don’t know what is. She really tries. I know she doesn’t REALLY love it, but she makes the effort. And for that, I appreciate and love her.
She, on the other hand, likes baseball, The NY Mets, specifically. So to return the favor, I watch it with her in the summer, go to Citi-Field sometimes, and take an interest in the players. Believe me, liking the Mets takes extreme dedication. They are just THAT bad. And that is what a relationship is about, give and take.
#2 – You MUST always want to hang with her/him.
Explanation: I’m not saying that you can’t have a guys’ night out watching the game at a sports bar. Or a ladies night out having a pillow fight in your underwear (that’s what you girls do, right?). Yet you must REALLY want to hang out with them the majority of the time.
Find yourself in a relationship where you just want to get away all the time? That is NOT a relationship! Find yourself wrapped up in your own things, so much so that you might see him only 2-3 times a week? NOT a healthy relationship. Think seeing him once a week is fine because you both need your space? NOT a relationship (again, I’m looking at you, Becky).
Personal example: I’ll give you one, but it’s not mine. Ever heard of the Beatles? How about that dude Paul McCartney? Well, that guy had a wife and her name was Linda. They were married from 1968 until 1998, and besides one incident when he was arrested on drug charges, they NEVER SPENT A DAY APART! AND THEY LOVED IT!
I’ll let that sink into your head for a moment…they SAW EACH OTHER EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR 30 YEARS! EVERY DAY!
Now, some of you are pessimistically shaking your head thinking you would NEVER do that. But to me, that’s love.
#3 – You MUST never have cheated on them/been cheated on by them.
Explanation: I know, this seems obvious. But this is an important rule. Some people try to look past infidelity in a relationship (especially 2-4 years into a relationship), and when kids/marriage are involved, I might not blame them. But regardless, it will still never work out. Cheating on someone is crossing a line that you can’t go back on. If you skimmed this article and only read one thing I say, read this: IF HE/SHE CHEATED ON YOU ONCE, THEY WILL 100% DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. If you are in a relationship and get cheated on, treat it like you are on fire. Stop, Drop, and Roll right out the door!
Personal example: I’ll put it to you this way. Anytime you have seen someone cheat in a relationship, has it ever worked out in the end? Case closed.
#4 – You MUST get along with their friends/family.
Explanation: There will not be a quicker way to get broken up with than to make enemies with their friends. I’m not saying fake it – I’m saying you must legitimately like them and vice versa. This rule ESPECIALLY applies to their sisters and brothers.
Personal example: I get along with my girlfriend’s family so well, sometimes I even hang out with her sister on her own! I’m not saying there is a trick to this, either it happens or it doesn’t. And if it doesn’t, then the relationship won’t last.
#5 – You MUST be 100% attracted to them.
Explanation: Every girl I have ever met in my life said that her #1 thing to look for in a guy is a sense of humor. Right. I don’t know about you guys, but that Twilight werewolf dude doesn’t seem so witty to me. Yet girls are hysterical around him, while The King of Queens isn’t exactly pulling in the chicks.
I know, I know, that was a cheap shot because guys act WAY more shallow than girls. I agree it works both ways, which is why this last point is so important. You have to love EVERY part of them. EVERY part, because believe me, there will be a time when you wake up one morning next to them, look over, and all you can focus on is that ONE attribute that you couldn’t STAND but looked past in the dating stage of your relationship. Crooked teeth? Hairy back? No chin? If you don’t like it now, it will only get worse and haunt you forever.
Personal Example: I’m not saying everyone has to be perfect, and that we can’t all have imperfections. The key is that other people love you BECAUSE of them. But, if it really bothers you now, it will REALLY bother you later. Like when I broke up with that girl with the short hair, I just had to end it. I couldn’t try to kiss someone that looked like a dude from behind!
We have all been in a relationship with someone who had SOMETHING we couldn’t look past. Don’t try to ignore it, just move on to someone else.
OK, that’s it! 5 points to a perfect relationship! Nice n’ easy!
Oh, and here is the kicker: you have to hit ALL 5 of them. You have 3 out of 5? Maybe 4 out of 5? Sorry, but you should get out and start over. It just won’t last. You will thank me later.
(Man, was this guest blog informative, funny and charming all at once or what? I think I should be a permanent part of the WTF?! team! Jess, Becky, and Tom, taking over the dating world!)
Thanks for reading, and you’re welcome for the advice!
Love,
Strongarm Gibbs
SxAxGx
p.s. Jeez, that was LONG! I commend you if you got this far down and are still reading. I nodded off somewhere around Rule #3.
| Jul 15, 2010 |
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The only thing I’ll note is that holding a kickball and being in a successful long-term relationship are not mutually exclusive. Heck, I’ve even done both while wearing skinny jeans. And here’s doozie for ya.. my kickball captain just proposed to his girlfriend of 2+ years by presenting the ring INSIDE a kickball. True story. A mindbender to your theory if I do say so myself.
Other than that, I agree with you thoroughly! Plus, you have a chair for a head that’s an all-around plus in my book.
I second everything JoJo just wrote.
and just so you know, Strongarm, I know that you have called me out and I will be responding accordingly… Yeah – I’m looking at YOU SxAxGx!
Look at these 2 Brooklyn hipsters!
Wow. Who ever knew there are men out there that KNOW what they’re talking about… jk
Thank you for renewing my faith that all men aren’t wretched.
I completely agree with you on all those points and it’s refreshing to hear these coming from a guy instead of a forlorn, heart-broken femme.
XOXO
Oh no, you are right, all men ARE wretched. They will also ALWAYS cheat. I am just the exception to the rule.
Man, looking back on this, I am REALLY good.
I was laughing out loud at parts, cheering myself on, and even tearing up at the McCartney part… boy can I write or what???!?!?
This is the best thing I’ve ever seen since The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement!
Now, I thought that was an excellent movie!
Great blog post! I would add one more or add a caveat to #3, that aside from the (somewhat obvious) rule of ‘don’t date someone who has cheated’ you should really be able to trust your significant other. No worrying who he/she might be hitting on at the bar on boys/girls night, etc. A little bit of jealously is natural, but the underlying trust has to be there.
You know the scene were Julie Andrews slides down the stairs on a mattress? She did her OWN STUNTS! Woah.
I’ve more or less independently come up with these rules for myself lately. How to go from the first date to the point where these rules really matter, however, is something I’m still working on figuring out…
Hey there Strongarm – i’m a fan of your 5 steps here, but one question remains…where do you find the guys like YOU who WANT to grow up and step away from the beer pong table?? I’m 25 and feel like my gaggle guys are still walking the fine line of “wish i was still in college, therefore I’m going to party like it” and “i’m a mature 20 something making 6 figures and have my shit together”. They teeter back and forth on that line but don’t seem to do anything about the “mature” part when it comes to defining relationships with girls they hang out with. it’s quite frustrating.
clearly you’re spoken for so I’m not trying to find YOU, but where are the guys LIKE you???? who WANT a relationship???
Hey B_mill!
This is an excellent question! I thank you for reading.
The simple answer? The suburbs.
I am the product of a little sleepy town a little over an hour north of NYC. THAT is where you find the good guys. Not in the major cities. My theory? Only major egos want to live in major cities.
Just by hearing your short synopsis of the dudes in your life I’m going to guess you live in a big city. Maybe NYC? You won’t find good guys there. You will either find immature hipsters, sponging losers, or Wall St. jerks (AKA Yankee fans). Sadly, there is very few in between.
You ever watch those reality shows like Bridezillas or Say Yes to the Dress? Then you sit back and wonder “HOW is that ugly midwestern pig getting married and I’M not??!?!” Sure you have! It’s because she lives in a podunk town in the middle of nowhere, where the guys are nicer, more laid back, and well, truthfully, they don’t have that many options!
My main point is this, if you are looking for love, any big city isn’t for you. There is just too much! Too much stimulation, competition, and WAY too much selfishness.
My advice for you? Move to Kansas! ha!
Love,
SxAxGx
I don’t know about the whole “major city” theory. I live in a major city (not NYC though) and I’ve always been open to being in a relationship. My city, however (a hipster haven on a small 7×7 peninsula on the west coast) seems to come with a slew of its own dating problems…
Move to kansas huh? Well that’s just depressing. I do come from a BIG city in the south – ATL baby! Anyway, I don’t think Kansas will be the solution for me but maybe the suburbs of atlanta are. or maybe i need to go after older men instead of 20-somethings. i can only hope that the majority of early 30s have grown out of their beer pong days.
anyway, thanks for the response! If I get any job offers from the boonies i’ll keep you posted
An Open Letter to Strongarm Gibbs
So I was called out twice (twice!) in this guest blog. Don’t think I didn’t notice! Readers, take note. Jess & I do indeed read everything that is written on this site.
And SxAxG, I have words for you: I agree with you!
I actually think your 5 Rules are excellent. They make a lot of sense and I think, if heeded, they will indeed contribute to a successful – even happy – relationship between two willing souls. Take me and my ex-boyfriend, for example. We had a fantastic 3.5 year relationship during which we lived together (in NYC of all places) and I think that we mutually, innately, and even explicitly, followed this path. Now we are very dear friends, and I’m so lucky to have him in my life.
So props to you, SAG! Thanks for distilling what many of us have already figured out in our various haphazard ways. Sometimes it feels good to read the writing on the wall.
Then what is my issue you ask? While I think these are great rules once you and a partner are ensconced IN a relationship, your blog still begs the ultimate question. WHY be in a relationship?
Having kids to take care of you in your old age isn’t good enough. What if I die tomorrow? I’m not going to sign away my youth, my middle age and my golden years on a faulty insurance policy like childbearing-and-rearing. What if my kids turn out to be jerks? As in all areas of my life, I plan to take care of myself, thanks.
So there must be other reasons to WANT to be in a relationship. To WANT to abide by these 5 Rules, even when it feels like they suck.
I have news for you, SAG. Despite your obtuse, self-serving portrayal of poor little moi, I actually want to be in a relationship! I want to fall in love. I want to be supportive of someone who is supportive of me. I want to share hopes, dreams, aspirations and adventures with someone who belongs to me and vice versa. Love is a beautiful, magical, wonderful feeling – and the commitment to love that comes in a relationship is the most tremendous step any of us as humans can take. In short, relationships rock. Because love rocks.
But therein lies the rub. It’s all well and good to abide by these 5 Rules because you want to make your relationship work. But you’d better hope, believe and feel that love is at the core of your efforts. That the heart of your relationship is an inexplicable, rules-defying, life-altering bond.
It behooves none of us to float through life. As people, we should challenge ourselves and those around us (you’re really good at that!), because that is how we grow, and learn, and contribute to the complex fabric that is human experience. So if you commit to being with someone, IN A RELATIONSHIP, you need to commit to being with someone who will challenge you, and grow with you, and sometimes fuck shit up, but then forgive you when you fuck shit up. The goal is not smooth sailing. The goal is excitement, and contentment, and joy, and sorrow, and mistakes, and personal growth. Life, and love, should be an adventure. Your partner is someone who will share it all with you.
And guess what? That kind of connection is out there. That guy or girl exists for you. None of us should settle for anything less than true, deep, loving understanding of our life partner. My ex-boyfriend knows I have nothing but love and appreciation for him (by the way, he broke up with me), but I think we both are happy we didn’t settle down and instead have grown into separate lives that are more fulfilling than what we probably would have had together.
The suburbs are great and these 5 Rules are helpful, but no one should lock themselves away from where they want to be (even if it’s a big, sinful city like Gotham!) or cling onto righteous guidelines just for the sake of ease or a (false) sense of security.
It doesn’t sound like this is what you’re doing. Your relationship with your gf sounds great. But the divorce rate would seem to indicate that people are not choosing wisely, on a fundamental level, when it comes to love. And then they’re probably ignoring your 5 Rules to top it off. Quick! Everyone forward SAG’s blog to everyone you know!
As for me. I have a lot of fun. My goal is to expand my mind. To learn about myself and the world every day. To have tremendous experiences. To grow. To contribute. And in the midst of those aspirations, I have a lovely, exciting gaggle of guys who surprise and challenge me.
I’m looking forward to the day when I can let the gaggle go because – forgive the Etta reference – at last my love has come along. When that happens, I’m sure my guy and I will follow your 5 Rules religiously, SxAxG. But it will be because we can’t help it. It will be because the love is real.
In the meantime, there are PLENTY of cute, sexxxxxxy hipsters out here in BK.
Just my 2 cents.
Love,
BxExX
Thank you Becky!! Now, personally, I think everyone should forward YOUR response to all their friends.
In terms of our guest blogger, he can live in his very, happy relationship, but I want to promote life experience. And who’s to say that my experiential happiness is inferior to that of Mr. 7 year itch…?
I look forward to playing telepathic (it will be around 2050) bridge with you at 70, as entirely self-sufficient and confident, young-at-heart ladies!
Well, well, well… I see my arch nemesis finally got around to replying.
Well Becky, I am glad to see that you agree with most of what I say, and to tell you the truth I agree with most you have to say. Maybe that’s why we are BFFs, always completing each others sentences, having pillow-fights, baking pies and whatnot.
I just want to make one observation (and I could be wrong) but it seems you like your relationships like you like life: new, fun and exciting.
That’s awesome, really, and that is a great way to live life. My only problem with that is a REALLY REALLY good long relationship isn’t always new and exciting 100% of the time. I think some girls (not you specifically, but some) can’t deal with that, and turn and run when it stops being in that “new love” phase. It can’t keep that exciting new-ness (go ask your grandparents) but that doesn’t mean you should jump ship just because you don’t have butterflies anymore when you hold hands.
That’s not about settling either, I would never tell anyone to settle, but you can appreciate what you have instead of trying to chase new exciting guys all the time.
First kiss, first vacation together, I get it, those are some good times that make a relationship exciting. But there comes a time when you hit year 4, year 5, year 10 even where you hit a stride in your relationship where it just feels right, without feeling new.
There comes a time when “smooth sailing” sounds pretty good because you can’t go on living life like a rebellious 15 year old always constantly looking for some excitement/drama in your life.
We still on for the vegan BBQ next weekend at your place?
SxAxGx
“I want to promote life experience.”
GIVE ME A BREAK!
First of all, I can’t believe someone wrote that line being serious.
Second, you can promote your life experience WITH someone special without tramping it up with every new guy you meet.
so, SxAxGx, despite your incredible judginess, i do think you’re on to something regarding qualifications for a good relationship. and i’ve had pretty much the same experience, as a serial long-term relationship person.
i suspect you’re surprised by that information. why do i suspect that? because you oh-so-ignorantly ranted that sleeping with people early on meant i could never possibly be in a mutually respectful long-term relationship. and would definitely end up crying, alone, in the corner. wearing tight jeans and hugging my kickball.
i’m sad that someone with such insight into what makes relationships work can be so closed-minded about how people can get there. none of your five requirements has anything to do with how things start. or seems to have any understanding of the variety of ways in which people can enjoy each others company, get to know each other, and start down the monogamous road you love so well. well, you love it until someone cuts their hair, right? cause THAT’S not tacky.
Man, you actually got me. I have nothing to say. I’m speechless!
I like a girl with a really feisty (and true) comment.
touche.
Mmm as for the Paul McCartney and Linda thing, you could stand anyone for 30 years if you were high as a kite the whole time…
And I’m confused…you need to love EVERYTHING about someone, but if they get a hair cut you dislike–which WILL grow out, by the way–all bets are off?!
Maybe I’m just cantankerous, but, practically speaking, you cannot possibly want to spend every second of every day with someone.
Maybe the haircut example was bad. There were other reasons we broke up, that (being one of them) just made the story funnier, but still true.
You might just be cantankerous because I want to spend every day with my girlfriend. I might not get a chance to, but I want to.
Strongarm – I’m getting a little bored of this lovey-dovey-always-agreeing-with-each-other shit. Because I totally agree with what you wrote in your reply agreeing with me! How lame!
I think you’re even (a little) right about me. I’m very reluctant, at least at this point in my life, to settle into something (even something great) because I do like excitement and change. What’s the new new thing? But I also think it’s again a question of finding the right person. Ultimately, I’d settle down in a second if it DID feel, as you put it, right.
OK, no more agreeing with each other. This sucks. Let’s fight about something quick! The Guy Who Just Blew Me Off but is really hot – I should text him tonight right?
Love,
BxExX