I met the fabulous guy I’m currently dating at a party. My third party of this particular (Thursday) night, actually. Pizza and beer with the girls in the Village, followed by karaoke in Koreatown, all to prepare for a work party I wasn’t too excited about. The work party ended up being wilder than expected, and, to my surprise, I discovered a cute co-worker I had never noticed before. He was hanging out near the dance floor, and, as the 90s rap mix blasted, I realized this white boy from Wisconsin was rapping along to every word. And not just the overplayed top 40 hits. Wu Tang. Method Man. I was smitten.
So we started to chat, and spent the rest of the night joking, dancing, and eventually making out. I took him home with me, and here’s the part I’ll never tell my mother: I slept with him. Then, I let him sleep over. He found me on Facebook on Friday, and asked me out on Saturday. Several months later, we’re planning our first vacation, and have yet to hit any major obstacles.
The part that would really kill my mom is that all my relationships have started this way. Well, sometimes I meet the individual in question more than three hours before sleeping with them. And I’m not always three screwdrivers in when I meet them. That said, I’ve never hesitated to hook up with someone I was into, and it’s always worked out surprisingly well, despite the fact that everything we’ve ever been told emphatically assures us that happy endings never follow from, well, happy endings.
Here’s my two cents.
As the lovely ladies here at WTFIsUpWithMyLoveLife.com have proclaimed, “dating” is dead. Relationships don’t start with coffee, phone chats, and awkward dinner dates. They start in any number of ways, including a mutually satisfying sexual encounter. And I’m not saying we should all run out and put out until we find love. I am saying that if you are attracted to a guy, and you want to get intimate, don’t refrain solely because you think there will be dire consequences. I’m here to tell you that what we’re all told about the ruin that inevitably flows from following our sexual instincts doesn’t always hold.
The truth is, guys don’t want to be with girls who play games. They’re as annoyed by the stupid, rigid formula that traditional dating thought suggests is the only path to happiness as we are. And, at the end of the day, they want someone who is comfortable with their sexuality – the night of, and the morning after. They want someone who understands that spending a night together can mean the beginning. Or the end. Or something in between. But waking up next to someone with a sense of humor and a sense of perspective is a great experience, either way.
Clearly this is not a technique appropriate for individuals who believe sex, etc., should be saved for marriage or long-term committed relationships. Or for women who are simply uncomfortable with that level of intimacy so soon. But every woman needs to ask themselves where their personal comfort line begins, and where they want the meaningless societal standards to end.
Another caveat. I happen to be more attracted to the guy cracking jokes in the corner than to the players dropping lines. Still, when you first meet someone, you never really know if they’re a gem or a jerk. Thinking back, I think I’ve found gems because, if I’m into you enough to take you home, you’ve impressed me with your wit and your lack of wiles. Nothing’s cuter than a guy who keeps making excuses to talk to you, who listens to you when you talk, and who looks you in the eye (not behind you at the girl who didn’t realize that dress was sold as a shirt). Basically, if the guy comes off as a player – he very well might be. And if those are the guys you’re attracted to, then you might need to play the games – enough to keep up with the ones he’s playing.
However, if you’re like me, you want a partner who’s comfortable with who they are, and who appreciates you for who you are. And if you’re an individual who enjoys sex with someone you’re physically and mentally attracted to, and are looking for someone who enjoys the same, then a good roll in the hay might actually be a great way to find what you’re looking for. At the very least, it’s a fun diversion as you conduct the hunt.
| Sep 1, 2011 |
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F-YEAH!
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This is just plain insanity.
Sleeping with a co-worker so soon? Pizza and beer with the girls? White guys rapping out loud?
If I wasn’t so repulsed with how easy you were, I would comment about how tacky your girls-gone-wild/college dorm life is.
Your relationship is over in less than a year mark my words.
NO guy wants to stay with a girl he can get on the first night.
Your mom and I are BOTH disgusted.
Love, SxAxGx
I disagree with SaG above. Except for the part about white guys rapping out loud. That just shouldn’t happen unless you’re Eminem. And still…
As for the rest, if you dig a guy, go for yours. I’ve had long term relationships that started with sex on the first night, and ones where we waited. As long as it’s natural and not a game. One of the most attractive things in a woman is when they trust their own instincts. About anything from sex to inviting you to meet their friends or tagging along to meet ours or whatever. It’s when there is inconsistency in the messages that we, as men, are confused and turned off. Be true to yourself and if he doesn’t dig it, move on. And if he does dig it, have fun!
So wrong you make me cry. I’m going to guess you are single.
I have to chime in here and say THANK YOU Going Bananas for being an open-minded progressive man. Clearly SxAxGx (even though we love him) is too wedded (pun intended) to old fashioned ideas about women and men to get the power of what RBS is talking about. I’ll also point out that she’s writing about her EXPERIENCE. If these guys were into her…and Going Bananas gets it and would be into that…then, I think that proves the point. Maybe our romantic rules are changing – and maybe that’s a good thing. Still love you SAG.
Call me traditional as well, but I may agree with SAG on this one. RBS says that this kind of beginning to her relationships has always worked – yet she is still starting new relationships. What has worked about that? That being said I am completely of the mindset “to each his own”. If guys can take a girl home on the first “date”, then a girl should be able to do the same without being judged. I can’t say that I’ve never done it – but I can say that the only meaningful relationships that I have ever had, started with conversation and yes, dinner. If anything, make ‘em work for it! Even a $4 starbucks. I know I’m worth at least that. If sex is the only thing you have, you’ve got nothing…in my opinion…
West, you single? Can I be in your gaggle?
I’d love to add to my gaggle! I have “the super horny guy who happens to be around a lot” and the “unavailable guy” slots open…interested?
I am SO your unavailable guy!
I love it. Noted.
If the author’s intention is to win the serial dating award, you’re off to a good start. Although I can’t name a single guy friend who doesn’t appreciate an aggressive woman who isn’t fearful of hooking up at the sound of a starting gun, I also can’t name one who kept the same woman front and center for more than a few months. They might call every few weeks, usually after having three too many cocktails and finding themselves home alone. It’s a crappy double standard when bad boys always seem to win, and bad girls end up knowing the name of every taxi driver in downtown Manhattan. Like West mentioned above, it’s all driven by what you want in a relationship. If a guy’s eventual goal is to settle into a LTR with a loving stable partner, having a body count clinging to his current soup du jour may have some influence on what direction the relationship takes. Some gents may have egos of steel that can dismiss the first night ease of entry, but my guess would be that most are going to sense it as a short fuse waiting to be lit once again.
I’m not condemning the approach. Every person has their own approach to life, love and relationships. It all distills down to what direction you want each of those to take in the next year, as well as the next twenty.
As a girl, I feel like it can be hard to know what I (not the guy!) wants. Whenever I’ve hooked up with a guy pretty quickly, I think that night that I really want to do it. Like, that he’s hot or maybe I’m drunk, whatever, but I actually want to hook up with him. But the next morning, I feel awkward and weird and then sometimes he doesn’t follow up with me, and then I feel really bad about it. Which probably makes it hard to end up in a relationship with them.
How can you tell if you want to hook up with a guy because you’re comfortable with your sexuality, or if it’s just because you want him to be into you and think that’s the way to get him to like you? Sometimes I confuse myself!
On a VERY serious note, I totally agree with this girl.
Also, I think “being comfortable with your sexuality” doesn’t have to mean you can, or have to, hook up with whoever you want on a whim.
Back in the good old days (which I’m clearly stuck in), girls had it right with thoughts of romance and making guys wait. You know, make them work for it, or at least stick around for a bit. Guys had it wrong with just banging everything in sight and not thinking of the way it could hurt people.
SOMEHOW society flipped, and now girls think like guys and everyone just wants to hook up and everyone pretends not to care! I blame MTV.
ANYWAY…
Girls you had it right the first time, as always, guys were wrong. Don’t be like us, have some tact.
Love,
SxAxG
Also, I think Becky is avoiding me in real life. Why don’t you call anymore????
SxAxG – Sorry, I’ve been too busy watching Hung. Or maybe I’m just making you wait for it.
So interesting to read everyone’s opinions!
Look – as we can see here, every guy out there is going to react a bit differently to a girl who wants to get it on, early on. Some will immediately judge the girl as promiscuous or easy and think less of her (ala Strongarm Gibbs and Dean Mason), while others will be more open-minded about it and still consider her as a potential long-term partner (ala Going Bananas).
But even if most guys feel uncomfortable with it, well, they’re obviously not the right guys for Ruth Bader Sinsburg and women like her! Ruth is clearly very comfortable with her sexuality – a trait that will probably play a big role in any relationship she has, short-term or long-term. So what if 97% of guys can’t handle that, or think less of her for that? By doing what she truly wants, even on the first night, Ruth quickly figures out who can hang and who can’t, and then she can cross the wrong guys off her list. It’s obviously important to her to find a guy who can handle her particular breed of sexuality and confidence. And that seems like a more worthwhile goal to me than figuring out how far to go, how soon, just to get a guy to like her. A guy she probably wouldn’t want to end up with anyway.
So I say, girls like West and singlegal, stick to your personal beliefs about what makes you comfortable and happy in a relationship, and what you think you deserve, and then act accordingly! Awesome. But realize that maybe Ruth believes that she deserves good sex and passionate chemistry without a lot of talk or drama, and she should be able to act accordingly as well. And the right guy – for her – will get that and be into it.
As usual, you always put it in prospective. But for the record, I’m a huge fan of good sex and chemistry – i’ve just personally had better sex after I have chemistry with someone – and I think that comes with time. Or maybe I have just chosen the wrong guys to take home on the first night.
oops.
Jess is mad easy!
And for the record Jess, from Ruth to West, it is the uniqueness of the person and what they can bring to any relationship, including great sex that will act as a catalyst for setting the chemistry. It’s avoiding the fear of self, and having the confidence to make the choices that define that uniqueness sexually or otherwise, that make both men and women undeniable desirable.
To add just one more guy’s opinion, here… (new to the site, so a little late to the party)
A number of my long-term relationships became very sexual very quickly, often on the first or second date. That behavior was not an impediment to a deeper connection, it was the symptom of one. The whole flirty, meet-cute, butterfly-filled, I-just-wanna-know-everything-about-this person feeling had a physical dimension to it.
Sure, there are circumstances where two people are just hot for each other, and once the itch is scratched, the spell is broken. And sure, in that kind of circumstance, it’s rare that the chemistry is sufficient to carry the relationship further. It just wasn’t the basis for the contact. However, most (yes, “most”) of the instances in my own past where sex made an early entrance were not about conquest or hooking up… they were simply about a genuine passion for the person.
I don’t think anyone has to apologize for that kind of encounter, to their mothers or anyone else.
Hey all!
First of all, I want to say that its ok to have a different opinion but to be so insulting about it is really NOT ok!
I get that a lot, too, though, Ive been on dates and Ive tried the “get to know you first” thing but it just doesnt work out for me. The one relationship that started out that way was just plain awqward.
The happies relationships Ive had were when I was pretty drunk and went home with the guy. The last time that happend was halloween 2 years ago and Im still really happy with him! And before that I was with the guy for 2 and 1/2 years after our drunk night out. And it ended because I moved.
On the other hand I have seen it crash and burn and I have been hurt. And I see how my girl-friend wants to be friends first and wait. And I totally respect that.
But I still think that this way is the best for ME, not my Mom, not my friends or anybody else.
So try being a bit nicer and let everybody date the way they want to date.
Oh and just because I sleep with the guy doesnt mean Im cheap and not worth anything. I make them work to be with me, too. I just dont know why I should be in celebat while Im doing that.
when you are in Lust what happens is you get involved with that person and fall in love, I love the post and awesome quality content.
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