By: A. Jarrod Jenkins, Founder/Webmaster Manogamy Movement

When I read Jessica’s Huffington Post article, “When Your Ex Marries the Next Girl,” I thought she was speaking directly to me.  I was in a relationship with a young woman for nearly four years – but never popped the question.  I am now in a serious relationship with “the next girl,” and she is the woman I am going to marry.  I’ve always felt somewhat guilty about my happiness, but I now know that marrying her would have been a huge mistake.

The question many women want to know is why men lock down “the next girl” after ending a serious relationship.  The answer is simple:  it’s a self-selecting process.

When a man leaves a serious relationship, the last thing he wants to do is get into another serious relationship. We want to hang out with the boys again.  We want to watch the shows we couldn’t watch.  And most importantly, we want to sleep with all the woman who we (hopefully) were not sleeping with when we were tied down.

When a man is on the prowl, the objective is to find someone who is better looking than his ex. One should only move up on the proverbial dating latter. Not only will we refuse to give our exes the satisfaction of saying, “I look better than her,” but that’s the only way we’re going to trade in our newly-acquired freedom.

Thus, the notion that men somehow compromise our integrity and scoop up just anyone is erroneous.

A man who was once in a serious, committed relationship will always be a committed man at heart.  He still desires to be in a stable relationship.  Trust me, being single gets old relatively fast.

So when we’re out meeting women, we put them into two categories: 1) a woman who is just good for sex and 2) a woman we’d like to know better.  Women in the former category never become “the next girl.”  Woman in the latter category become potential girlfriends.

After we find a woman we’re genuinely interested in, we begin the dating process. A man formerly in a serious, committed relationship knows what he likes and dislikes very well.  We instinctively compare what we had and what we could have.

Without exception, your new interest will lack qualities that your ex possessed.  The question then becomes, how important is this particular deficiency?  Let’s say the woman you’re dating does not cook well, but your ex was a culinary master.  If cooking ability really matters that much to a guy, he’s going to end it right there.  There are plenty of women in the dating pool, so there’s no need to compromise.  However, if he’s fine with dining at restaurants a few nights a week, he will continue to pursue her.

After enough dates, there will come a point when the man will need to DTR (define the relationship). This is arguably the hardest part, because you can’t help but think about your last serious relationship.  Moreover, many men do not date exclusively, meaning if you take the next step, you’ve got to kick every other woman to the curb.

If the man decides to give love another go, then this relationship, by definition, must be serious because his emotions had to go through the gauntlet.  That’s why guys don’t date someone for three years – and then turn around and date someone else for three months.

So if you’re a woman, don’t assume that your ex was stringing you along the whole time.  It’s nothing personal; it’s just that happiness is relative.  When people say “I’m happy in this relationship,” we mean, “You make me happier than anyone before you.” So if you and a guy dated for a couple of years, don’t get angry if his next girlfriend becomes his wife.  In the end, it means things worked out for the best.

Nov 15, 2010

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